Water Conservation

There's not much left of Falls Lake, so I have submitted my DefCon 5 Water Management plan to Governor Easley's office for immediate consideration. In difficult times such as these, sacrifices must be made.

Here's my eight-point plan:

1. Stop building new homes. Pouring one new concrete foundation consumes enough water to flush 841 toilets. Do you really want another new house, or do you want to make sure 'old reliable' is ready when the time comes?
2. Restaurants should bring beer to the table instead of ice water. Coors is not a personal favorite, but it is made from melted glaciers and we have lots of glaciers in this country, just not in the right places. This would be like bringing a much-needed glacier to North Carolina, one 12-ounce can at a time.
3. Implement casual-hygiene Fridays (shaving not required). Saves thousands of gallons of water, all for the price of a few extra whiskers.
4. More restaurants should follow the Hooters model... smaller uniforms require less water to wash. Paper towels are fine instead of cloth napkins when the food is delectable and no one is paying attention to it.
5. Wake County men will be encouraged to discontinue vigorous exercise of any kind, thus eliminating the need for additional showers and water consumption. I will personally lead this initiative, from my recliner. We will start slowly with 'Slovenly Sunday' and work up from there. Governor Easley has said that a dirty car should now be considered a sign of civic responsibility. In that same spirit, a little extra weight around the mid-section should convey a sense of self-sacrifice and community pride.
6. All public sporting and entertainment events will now designate an outdoor 'waterless urinal' area [chain-kink fence with a privacy curtain] for men. Needless to say, men will not feel compelled to wash their hands afterwards. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Consumption of asparagus during this time will be considered illegal.
7. Real men never ate watercress to begin with, but from here forward veggies are optional at any meals. Broccoli, lettuce, peas and other vegetables consume tremendous amounts of water in their production. Chicken wings and burritos, on the other hand, have little to no impact on local water supplies. And remember, beer comes from glaciers.
8. All outdoor chores including car washing, re-seeding lawns and planting shrubs are immediately suspended.

Together, we can make a difference!